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    幽默短信大全 國慶節后上班輕松一刻

     來源:指客網 (www.thfdigital.com)   欄目:搞笑對話   時間:2015-08-08
    1、小張最怕別人說她胖。某日小李看到小張,說道:“你見瘦。”小張很高興。分開后小李自言自語的說:“我說的是你的衣袖。”
    2、算命師傅:“你女兒以后一定嫁給南方的。”老媽聽后陰著臉拉著女兒走了。女兒很詫異,以為老媽不喜歡南方人。回家后,老媽說:“這算命老頭真不靠譜,我女兒不嫁男方難道嫁女方嗎?”
    3、我的優點是說一是一,說二是二;但缺點是把別人的話也有一當一,有二當二。哥們說我有點二。早晨我撿到五百塊,為減壓,我決定和你平分。[兩個250]
    4、問:知道拼音是什么情況下發明的不?答:在非常饑餓的情況下發明的,因為第一句就是“啊(a),我(o),餓(e)!”
    5、今天,我剛寫完一則冷笑話,在看評語,女兒在旁邊指著屏幕問:媽媽,這上面寫的什么啊,我說:指客網的這些叔叔被我這條短信雷死了,女兒又問:媽媽媽媽,為什么他們會雷死啊,難道你會打雷嗎?
    6、阿亮迷戀香港,說香港什么都是好的,甚至月亮都是香港的圓,阿亮爸爸說:“香港什么都是好的,那香港腳好嗎?”
    7、問:薯片,冰紅茶,口香糖三個家伙在爭論,請烏龜來評理,請問烏龜同意誰呢?答:同意冰紅茶,因為統一冰紅茶!你有聽說過統一薯片或統一口香糖嗎?
    8、一次五歲的兒子問我,我手上拿著的東西是什么,我說是手機,他說為什么叫手機那,我那時正忙就隨口唱到“左手一只雞,右手一只鴨。”兒子露出更加疑惑的表情:“那為什么不叫手鴨那?”
    9、你老公年薪多少?“800萬”“天那,比我家的強多了,好幸福哦你。朋友說。“這是基本工資”“做什么的?”朋友又問。“做夢的”“......”朋友。
    更多精選專輯:指客網 (www.thfdigital.com)   欄目:搞笑對話
    10、溫州7.23后。每次和朋友告別時,聽到“后會有期”這四個字,就緊緊張張的,不得不補充問一句:你坐飛機還是高鐵?
    11、阿鉅有一天被欺負,哭啊哭啊哭啊哭啊,然后把自己淹死了。菲菲卻沒有淹死,為什么呢?因為菲菲會飛啊。
    12、每次給姥姥說現在都用電腦了,很方便,也能通過電腦視頻看到彼此,姥姥都說:“自己腦子能記住模樣,電腦還能真看到,了不起呀,是比人腦厲害呀。”
    13、夏天到了,一次兒子要我帶他去游泳,我很尷尬的說:“我不會游。”兒子很生氣的說:“那小明爸爸怎么會啊。”“他老吃魚所以會游。”兒子撅撅嘴說:“可您總吃雞,那會下蛋不?”
    14、我很運氣網上抽獎抽到一袋大米,興沖沖的就跟媽媽說了,正好家里的米快吃完了,我媽也沒買就和我一起等待這袋大米的到來,終于咚咚來了,一簽收傻眼了,大米500g。
    15、媽媽老跟我提起她和爸爸當年的浪漫。每次媽媽要去上班,爸爸就說:“你路上小心。”媽媽俏皮的答道:“你放78顆心。”爸爸生氣的說:“那還22顆讓我懸著啊。”
    16、某精神病人在寫信,醫生就很好奇地問他:你要寫給誰啊?病人:寫給我自己!護士:那你都寫些什么呢?病人:你傻啊!我還沒收到怎么知道?
    17、一位老太太在電視里看一隊黑人運動員在參加短跑長跑比賽,一聲槍響,運動員們紛紛起跑。老太太哀嘆道:太可憐了,一群挖煤的,聽見槍響都不要命的逃呢……
    18、一女生對男生說:“我給你跪下了,你跟我好吧!”男生回了一句:“我給你磕頭了,你放過我吧!”旁邊一路人接道:“這么一會兒你倆連天地都拜了!”
    19、每個月從發工資那天起,我開始是囂張地活一個星期,然后淡定地活一個星期,接著無奈地活一個星期,最后在對工資地無限期盼中活一個星期……你呢?
    更多推薦專輯:指客網 (www.thfdigital.com)   欄目:搞笑對話
    20、薪水漲了,臉上笑了,腰桿壯了,看到熟人敢嚷了,下班敢逛商場了,遇見異性心癢了,打嗝打得很響了。沒想到物價又瘋漲了,唉,白想了!
    21、某男費了九牛二虎之力,給心儀的女生寫好一封情書,他在最后添上:我答好這份考卷,靜候你的錄取通知!回信來了,信上只有四個字:名額已滿!
    22、那天看到你,一個人扶著電線桿,頂著個爆炸式頭型,興奮得手舞足蹈,滿面通紅。問你啥事這么高興,你嘴唇哆嗦了半天,才擠出一句話來:被電到了!
    23、送你一碗孟婆湯,愿你忘了憂傷;再來一碗孟婆湯,愿溫暖充滿你心房;又來一碗孟婆湯,愿你盡情把幸福品嘗;還來一碗孟婆湯,哼,我就不信你不尿床!
    24、一天,老板到工作間去巡查,看見一個工作人員正在那聊天閑扯,于是走過去,很嚴肅地說:工作時間不可以聊天!誰知,此工作人員不緊不慢地說:我知道呀,所以我聊天的時候沒有工作嘛!全場人被雷倒!
    25、夫妻二人外出遇劫,妻甚彪悍,竟然將劫匪趕走。妻得意洋洋地看著夫說:厲害吧,你怎么不夸夸我呢?夫囁嚅著說道:老婆,你。你真是條漢子。
    更多精彩內容:指客網 (www.thfdigital.com)   欄目:搞笑對話
    26、我要告訴你一件好事情哈,就是我聽說,現在結婚很便宜,所以,和我一起結婚去,我請你,怎么樣,是不是覺得很沾光啊,你要是不讓我請的話,那么你就只好請我吃麥當勞哦!
    27、給你出個智力題,很難的哦!說:小明的爸爸有三個兒子,老大叫大毛,老二叫二毛,那么老三叫什么?如果你說叫小明,那你就錯啦,老三當然叫三毛,因為小明是個女孩。哈哈哈。笑死我啦,有意思吧!
    28、一個流浪漢行夜路,被一個強盜攔下,搶匪晃著匕首喝道:要錢還是要命。流浪漢嚇得膽顫心驚,心想,自己一條命都養不活,再要一條命干嘛,不如實在點,要錢。于是流浪漢對搶匪說:還。還。還是要錢吧。
    29、望著工資條,來個整體素描,全勤獎畫個圓泡泡,崗位津貼弄個小問號,加班工資再畫上兩道,唯獨各項保險尾巴翹得高,只要用心瞧一瞧,嘿嘿它在對俺笑!
    30、一朋友跟我說他最近開發了一個大農場,開車需要整整半天才能逛完整個農場!我心里默默地說:多年以前我也曾經擁有那么一部龜速般的牛車。
    31、小方如廁之后回到教室,捏了捏小明的臉,小明疑惑地問他為什么上完廁所洗手不擦干,小方回了一句:“什么?洗手?我沒有啊!”小明頓時暈倒。
    32、從未停止過對你的思念,從未減少過對你的愛戀,愿每天都能給你送上一點甜蜜,就像最甜的花兒一樣,招上一群可愛的蜜蜂來--蜇你。
    33、倆患者從精神病院逃跑,逃到一棵樹上休息。突然,甲大叫一聲掉了下去,乙忙問:你怎么就掉下去了?甲:對啊,輪到你了!乙答:不了,我還沒熟透呢!
    34、現階段,工資始終不見漲,孩子得不到獎賞,遇見老婆不敢嚷,休閑不能逛商場,路遇美女心難癢,結果物價又飛漲,一切美好都空想。
    35、修身養性才能愉悅生活,一定要牢記:一戒私、二戒驕、三戒妒、四戒狂、五戒浮、六戒奢、七戒躁,多溫馨的提醒啊!八戒……你還不認真看!
    36、一條小蛇問爸爸:我們有毒嗎?爸爸沒理它。又過了一會兒,它又問:我們有毒嗎?爸爸不耐煩了:你這孩子今天怎么啦?小蛇說:我不小心咬到舌頭啦。
    37、我在天空寫下你的名字卻被風帶走了,我在沙灘寫下你的名字卻被海浪帶走了,于是我在大街的每個角落寫下你的名字……我暈!我被警察帶走了。
    38、這天太熱了,坐個公交真郁悶啊,人挨人,人擠人,你擦我,我擦你,我左胳膊雅詩蘭黛,右胳膊曼秀雷敦,還蹭了一手大寶,可我出門時擦的卻是妮維雅啊。
    39、汽車人贏了霸天虎,領袖的作用;天火歸順汽車人,正義的作用;我對你的祝福,友情的作用,我就是你的大黃蜂,在你需要我的時候,我會陪在你身邊!
    40、一小偷失手被捉,法官審問他:你為何一夜三闖同一店鋪行竊,每次卻只偷一件衣服?犯人:我偷了一條裙子,可我夫人不滿意,讓我去換了兩次。
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